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remember this

no matter what, where, when, or how...

just remember...

it will never, ever, ever, ever be you.



no matter how much you try

no matter how certain it seems


people do not like you,

you will never be rewarded,

it will never be you.




it will never. be. you.




you are alien. you are a misfit. you do not belong, and you never have.

you've been cast out, shunned.

you will never shake this depression. this demon weighing your soul.

you drown every day. you try to shout but no one hears. you can see perfectly how life should be up on the surface, but you will never be there. you're weighted down, distorted, silent. when people see you, hear you - you just make everything worse. no one should see you - no one should see the girl, drowning and screaming below. their lives are a thousand times better not knowing you exist. not seeing into the abyss.

yet each person that might glimpse your darkness.... no one is strong enough to stay. no one is strong enough to fight for you, to rescue you.

most people pretend they don't see you at all.


i don't know which is worse.






my life is over, it never even began. i'm a waste. my soul longs for something so far away and yet i can never get it there. i'm a failure. no small wonder my soul has been leaving me piece by piece all these years.

i'm corrupted, i'm damaged, i'm lost.

no one wants to find me. no one honestly should.

drift away, fall away, fade...... stop trying , just stop... live in the numb, it's all i can hope for.... yet hope is cruelest of all. hope with all its promises. hope resurrecting my heart only to have it obliterated by life.



i'm cold.


i'm losing my mind. i'm losing my will.

i'm tired. so tired of fighting this fight .

just take me, consume me, let this be over.
let me have a moment's peace.

let me be still. let me be numb. let me disappear.........

Describe myself in 5 songs:

3 Libras - A Perfect Circle
Cold - Crossfade
Bones & Joints - Finger Eleven
Keep Away - Godsmack
Aurora - Foo Fighters* (I think there is a different one.......)

I want to sing this with hot guy .

Yeah, uh

Tell me what you really like
Baby I can take my time
We don't ever have to fight
Just take it step-by-step
I can see it in your eyes
'Cause they never tell me lies
I can feel that body shake
And the heat between your legs

You've been scared of love and what it did to you
You don't have to run, I know what you've been through
Just a simple touch and it can set you free
We don't have to rush when you're alone with me

I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe

You are not the single type
So baby, this the perfect time
I'm just trying to get you high
And faded off this touch
You don't need a lonely night
So baby, I can make it right
You just got to let me try
To give you what you want

You've been scared of love and what it did to you
You don't have to run, I know what you've been through
Just a simple touch and it can set you free
We don't have to rush when you're alone with me

I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe

You've been scared of love and what it did to you
You don't have to run, I know what you've been through
Just a simple touch and it can set you free
We don't have to rush when you're alone with me

I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe (I know what you feel right now)
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe (I know what you feel right now)
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe (I know what you feel right now)
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, I feel it coming, babe

I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, babe
I feel it coming, babe

seriously

Another drunken Sunday night.

Because I just survived my first full week back at work in seven long months, and it was brutal and awful.

I really fucking hate my job. I hate my boss Kelli who is lazy as fuck, I hate Amber who depends on me so hard and can't grow up and take control, I hate that I do the job of a paralegal, assistant, and file clerk and get paid for only one of those things, I hate that no one has been replaced on our team in over an entire year yet they insist we are "fine", I hate that there are only three of us assistants anymore and that will likely never change, I hate that I have to wake up and go to work so fucking early, I hate the commute up Southfield I have to make every single fucking day, I hate that I work more than one job, I hate that I have to work so many doubles, I hate that I don't live alone, I hate my fucking stomach that can't handle the amount of booze I need anymore.

It's all just so stupid.

There is a life out there that I desperately want. But it involves a lot of hard work first --- but it's very, very difficult to muster the energy needed for it when I've literally killed myself the past decade and have gotten less than nothing for it.

This is why I drink on Sunday evenings.

Have to go back to the same grind, the same bullshit, the same stress, the same tasks that make me insane, that I VIOLENTLY hate.

How the fuck do I get out of this? I want to investigate. I want to detect. I want to expose.

I want to have fun. I want to have purpose. I want to be on my own.

I want to live in a world that doesn't exist.

I can't do this life anymore. It gets harder every day. This foot surgery has warped me -- I literally just can't deal anymore. I want to have time for things that a normal job I hate doesn't allow time for.

I just. I'm feeling some kinda way. And it's not good, it's not ever good. I want to go back to PT but my foot still has an open wound so I can't. And yet I don't want to go back until I lose 15lbs. And I want hot guy to love me and I want....

Sigh.

I want everything, everything to change.

But I'm terrified of change, because almost always in my life, when change occurs, it's bad. Very bad.

seriously

All I want to do in life is get drunk at night and write. It's when I'm at my absolute best.

My stomach has not been cooperating and obviously neither does work, but if I'm being really honest with myself... I am literally at my best when I'm drunk, I do what I want, I communicate what I should, I am nicer, I am happier, I am just flat out better.

I've been out of work for six weeks and the only time I wrote was when I was stone drunk. And it's good. It's a step in the direction I should be moving.

Nothing I do at actual work is what I'm meant for. I hate it -- I absolutely hate what I do for a living. It makes me nuts. I just hate it. It's law for the sake of law and it's annoying and pointless and I've only been back one day and I'm already thinking about what I should be doing to get the fuck out of there.

Insurance defense is so far from what I want to do in life. I am meant for so much more.

And I never let myself believe in that -- very rarely, because I always just get burned. My drunk mind has numbed all those past disappointments and believes there is something magical waiting for me. My drunk mind is where I want to live.

My drunk mind convinced me to apply to Michigan. My drunk mind thinks I could apply at Oxford or anywhere and get my doctorate in English Literature OR History - Both of which would make me insanely happy. My drunk mind believes I can leave home and pursue this dream and live it out.

My sober mind bring me back to reality and crushes all these hopes. My sober mind tells me there's no way a boy would like me, that I'm too poor to reach so high, that fulfilling a life-long dream has no economic benefits -- But I don't know that that's what I really need. I need to do something I enjoy. I NEED to be doing something more important than this.

So please, sober Maria, remember this and let it drive you. You have so much to do yet. 2016 was horrific - nothing but obstacles and false hope and struggle. The payoff is close.

I anticipate the fall being a major shift in my life. I am working towards it. It HAS to happen.

For once, do not lose this hope when you sober up. Feed off of this and make something happen. It's the only way you'll ever get out of this rut.

weird drunk thoughts

because i only write when i'm drunk for some fucking dumb reason, thanks brain.

i am 100% positive that we get reincarnated, truly. there are feelings and emotions i have about random things, places, events, etc, that have no reason for being there, but they are. Now, I'm smarter than probably everyone I know, at least damn close, and I am more in tune with that shit than anyone I know (which is rough to gauge, because it's not like anyone talks about that shit). Edelweiss should not affect me the way it does. Pictures and scenes from the German and French Alps should not steal my breath like they do.

It's different from beauty. The Scottish Highlands were total beauty. The absolute most gorgeous scenery I've ever seen, in life or in film, is Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. But there is something totally different about seeing those alps. My soul was there. I know that.

Which makes me a crazy person.

But that's the drive I have. I HAVE to go there. I have to feel the way I felt in England, there. I have to. I have to solve those mysteries. That is what I was born for. To research, to explore, to figure this all out.

Whoever my love is, my long, centuries long love, whom I have met time and time again, is not here. I don't believe that. If he's here, he's Chris, and he's not what I want this time. Not what I need. And if he was anything like this years ago, he never was. It's like my old abusive husband I was forced to marry, fell in love with me so hard he followed me from generation to generation, and won't quit. I'm so done with him I can't even explain it, nor do i want to. The more time I give to it the less it seems like I'm over it, but it's important to me to say that I am definitely over it. I want something new so much it hurts.

I want something new in the form of hot guy from therapy, and the more time I don't see him, the more I daydream, the more I want, the more I know it would be at the very least something fun to try.

But I have at least six weeks until I see him again, unless some kind of miracle occurs.

Anyway, so that's my passion. To figure this all out. To solve these mysteries. Who killed the princes in the tower? What happened to Anastasia, really? And on and on.

So, I should apparently be a teacher. I'm great with kids (young adults). I just hate the idea of it. I can't get past my own hatred for teachers.

BUT - everything about it seems one million percent better than becoming a nurse, which is what Nick wanted (which I am obviously still crazy bitter about). So perhaps I should legitimately look into my Master's to be a History teacher. I really think that's what I'm meant for. And I hate accepting it. But I'd love to be a doctor of history more than I can say......

And i need to travel, I absolutely fucking have to, and SOON.

I'm drinking myself into oblivion here in self-pity, being broken and sad and NOT living up to my potential. It's killing me, literally, to continue the status quo.

So, 2017. You will not be filled with foot surgeries sidelining me for literally more than half a year. I'll be able to move and work out and try new things and start a new chapter. I absolutely will. I'll quit Yack and go to school and do what I fucking WANT to do. Career coach flamed out so hard ---- you can tell how much hope and faith I put into this guy, by how deeply I'm still affected by it's failure. Just. I can't even talk about it. Still.

Anyway. I had a bottle of wine and four beers tonight and I need to just quit this. I need to figure out how to write when I'm sober.

Once I can move it'll be better. Once I'm not completely stuck, not being able to drive, I'll be okay. I'll have to be.

I'm my own best friend, and I will get through this. I should have started this process years ago - I don't know why I held back. This is what I fucking want, debt be damned. It's what I'm meant to do.

So, take a step. Take THE step. Just do it. Who even cares. If I'm in debt forever it won't even matter.

I want to learn to fight, I want to learn to shoot, and I want to take steps toward my Masters or PhD. That's my 2017 Resolution.

And to lose weight, but if I could just have ONE fucking relationship...... Just one...........

hm

Whomever my next boyfriend is has no idea what is in store for him.

I am absolutely starving for sex.

For love.

I will be at my all-time best. He will have no idea what on earth hit him.

Whomever he is, will be hitting the lottery taking a chance on little old me.

Once this foot heals, I'm going balls to wall with it. Going to the gym, eating better, not drinking. It's a done deal. I just need to be able to move without pain (which has been over a year and counting).

But man. I just want to fuck. Everything anymore. I'm depressed and lonely and everything terrible, but i swear. the first guy to make me feel beautiful and i'm going to explode. It's been way, way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long since I last even kissed a boy.

And I am starving in a desert for it.

Someone is in for a massive surprise. I just hope he's the right one. I'm so sick of this.

So sick of looking and hoping. I'm two seconds from moving far away just to try and find something, because I'm convinced there is nothing here for me.

Just saying.

Anyway. Beyond bedtime. More drunk than I wanted to be. Of course.

2016

I legit need to reflect because 2016 has absolutely been the worst year of my life. And that is really saying something.

I realized the other day that 2016 has been the Universe's year to literally fuck me up. To show and promise and tempt me with something amazing, with an escape to the SHIT I've been living through for a decade, only to shit on my face worse than I ever imagined. It has been one big lead up to one big let down over and over and over again. It's a theme. It's my entire life.

And I gotta tell you, I am so done with it. I could never commit suicide, but I also don't think I'll ever fight for my life again on the freeway when someone is chasing me and trying to kill me. Literally. I don't have the will to fight anymore and I haven't for ages. This whole year has brought me back as low as I ever remember being, perhaps lower. Definitely lower. Back then I had the unknown, perhaps promising, future ahead of me. I don't have that anymore. I've failed. It's never going to happen.

The beginning of this year saw Darren leaving, my world, and him trying to take me to his firm desperately. I met with some important people and wowed them, and then the job I was promised was taken from under my feet. Even my horoscope predicted this big change, and then it was just... whoosh, away from me, thanks to Brendan and Megan. Of course. Megan, who has absolutely crushed me before. Megan, who had fucked Darren before I met either of them, who had already stolen all I wanted before I even knew it. Stole this from me, too. A chance for both Darren and I to grow. Brendan and her took it right way from us. After so many weeks of buildup. I was crushed.

That was March.

Before then, Darren had left like I knew he would, which followed him having the OTHER Maria as his assistant, who sits RIGHT next to me, so he'd come up to my desk basically and ask Maria to help him, only it wasn't me, and that completely killed me. More than I ever thought. And I was working 60 hour weeks getting Kelli on track and keeping the Yack afloat and still working at the Joe Louis.

So when you make 34k a year and work offers you 36k you get upset. You take Darren's offer extremely serious. He promises you 45k and fights for you. And I fight for me. And he turns into an asshole at the end - drugged and drunk and not remembering insulting you. Making sure I dress nice, say nothing mean, agree with all they tell you because he knows I'll fight for me - I just. And then he denies it. And then Brendan and Megan leave, and Darren gets demoted to Brendan's assistant, and then I'll be under Megan and then I'll work for someone else. Such a disaster.

And then I need foot surgery, big time. And then I go to Rock on the Range and Kelly is the fucking worst. Worse than ever. Not even Wapack wants to be around her. And then on the way home she says she's done and doesn't want to go anymore. And you die inside because you literally have nothing left in common with her and she crushes your favorite event of the year.

Then you have surgery. You leave work and it is so much worse than you ever imagined. You are stuck on the couch, living and sleeping, for two entire months. You shower by sitting on a chair and using the sink for two entire months. You do not drive your car for FOUR months.

The surgery that is supposed to fix you, so you can work out and walk and run and be normal again, leaves you with a giant disgusting scar that no one wants to look at. (except hot guy, who assures you it's badass and not hideous, which is the moment you begin to think of him as more than a passing stranger. it's the nicest thing you've heard in months.) That you literally ball your eyes at when you look at. That your father cleans because you can't stand to see it.

Your back to work date of August 1 comes and goes and work is not happy. You offered to work from home - begged for it - back in June. You worked your ASS off for this firm, risen faster than anyone, and have made a profound mark. Yet when you're leaving you're told that they made it perfectly fine without you and they will do the same now. That you do not matter.

They do not value me at all.

So you spend all this time alone. Really alone. Unable to do anything. I've written about this dark, low period before. It was in no way a vacation.

Then I got to start going to therapy. And Herman and Mike became my world. I loved everyone there, it was the highlight of my day, and leaving there was the low point of my day. I got to see people, talk and joke with them, and as it turns out, we had a LOT in common, and I felt like I really made connections. It's been so long since I've felt that way I can't even explain. I don't make friends - ever. And here, I felt like I really did, with everyone.

And I begin seeing a career coach, and I truly feel like it's the best thing I've done for myself in my entire life. I throw myself into it and really believe I'm where I'm meant to be and that things are about to change - career wise, romantically, etc - and that I'll finally be able to break out of this funk. I believe that with every fiber of my being. My career coach teaches me to focus on what I've accomplished - which is amazing - and my intellect, which is exceptional - and I begin to believe that I'm special again. That there is truly a big purpose for me out there and I just haven't found it yet. I connect so well with him (which is SUCH a rare occurrence for me that I can barely contain my excitement) and I really, truly believe that my life is about to turn a corner.

And then the universe intervenes. Then my depression ruins my outlook, reality crashes in. Guy I like in therapy is just mist. Opportunites I have no idea how to capitalize on come and go. Everything with my career coach comes crashing down. My job wants to get rid of me - replace me and make me some kind of floater, one step from fired. No one covered for me for the last two months of my job. My boss expects me to jump back in and fix things instantly - even though I'm only working 20-25 hours a week. I schedule things and she makes me reschedule them because she doesn't feel like coming in. Everything is out of control.

My career coach then wants me to go to school to be a nurse. Wants me to go medical. I hate that - never ever wanted it and will never do it.

then i need more surgery on my foot.

my physical therapist wants me to stay in touch, wants to hang out. I haven't seen him once in a month. much less hot guy, his best friend, who i was so sure liked me.

so i had to leave work again, leave the only pseudo-friends i had in physical therapy, and i'm alone. a giant burden. more surgery. still can't move, still gaining weight, still desperately alone.

and right before this happens Darren gets in touch with me again to go work with him. Part of me feels like this is his attempt to tell me he needs me - he wants me there desperately. That he felt something more, too.

But knowing the universe like I do, the romantic and loving thoughts I feel about a situation are all misfounded. He wants me there because he knows how smart I am, and it'll gain him points for bringing me in. Because I am literally so much better than anyone else there. But I'm just an assistant. I'm not a lawyer, and I am overweight, and I am from poverty, so I am off-limits to a man I was honestly in love with. That I was completely partnered with, who I would have followed forever, and still might. But all it does is rip my heart out.

This is not what I'm meant for. And I was so sure that Nick would lead me where I needed to be. But when he insisted that I take the accelerated nurse's course ---- which I could do, but refuse to do ---- it was just. did he not listen to a word I said? i want to do historical research. i want to travel the fucking globe. I want that more than I want ANYTHING on earth. After about $1000 he tells me this - when these sessions should have been free - i just can't. I learned a lot from him and i'll take it with me wherever I go, and I'm certain school is in that future, but definitely not in medical. It never has been. I'd rather be a teacher, a profession I detest, than anything Nick proposed. I feel cheated, I feel lost. I was SO invested, so sold. I believed so whole-heartedly. That was a monstrous blow. I wanted to be out of my profession and delving into a new field, and I was completely failed - I put in hard work for it, too. Yet another promise that blew up in my face at the last minute.

Darren's new job, ROTR, my foot surgery, Nick, my old job, hot guy... How many massive disappointments do i need to have before I lose my mind? I'm so close. I am so done.

To top it off, I had to quit the Joe Louis, a dream job of mine because of my passion for the Wings and hockey, after 10.5 years. TZ, one of my closest friends, decided to blow up our friendship with more lies and I had to totally disconnect from him (which kills me every day), Salla has absolutely disconnected from me and we barely speak (due, no doubt, to Amy), and Kelly and I have no relationship at all because of Jaz. I am an afterthought in the most important people in my life's lives. And my position as manager at Yack has been the most challenging of my life. I've never had to babysit grown adults so heavily in my life. It's exhausting. It's horrible - beyond terrible. Every second of it. A job I totally dominate and excel at, something of pride to me, has become one of my biggest burdens.

Honest to god, the only positive out of this year is Joey finally filing for divorce from that fucking cunt Kelsey. Which I have been pushing for for years. And, another positive, I wasn't fired, I got a bonus, and in two weeks I'll be back to work. Back to work i fucking hate.

I haven't been this low, this beat up, in a very long time.

Every SINGLE time I get my hopes up, the world just crushes me.

I want to go back to school, I want to travel... more than anything. And I am so poor, and from so much nothing, that I doubt that'll ever happen.

I do wish that I'd die. It would kill my mother, but maybe, if her and I were together, and got crushed,.... She'd make it into her Heaven, and I'd finally be at peace. I'd finally be out of reach of all these demons.

2016 can kiss my mother fucking ass. The year of promise, hope, and dreams... absolutely annihilated. Every last one.

"Every nigga is a star..."

There is something I'm meant to do.

Something extremely important.

I've known this for the past, what, 20 years of my life or more?

Since.. Lord. It's been a long time. I assume since I had an awakening back when I was 12, and thought the entire universe was against me. I wasn't wrong, but those are feelings -- real, gut feelings -- that I've still, to this day, never known to be wrong.

There is a reason I have to try and struggle and scrap and claw for everything. There's a reason I've spent so long making myself this monster. There is a REASON that I was born so intelligent - there is a REASON why I can be so clairvoyant in certain places.

I am meant to be in England, on the English isles. My soul came from there, I know it. And it sounds fruity and insane, but I have never in my life felt so connected - spiritually, mentally, and physically - to a place in my life. And it did not begin when I went there - it began around the same time I had that awakening.

I am meant for something and it isn't here. And there's just about nothing I can do to get over there, besides live in poverty and start at the bottom again.

But I know for certain that that's where I'm meant to be.

If nothing else, it's where I could feel on a daily basis. The Highlands, the English countryside, those ruins. It spoke to me more than anything in my life.

It's like when I knew while lying with Chris, that it didn't matter how much I loved him, how happy the moment was, I knew it would never last. I knew it was wrong.

My soul is so unlike anyone else's - including my entire family - and it's why I have such a hard time connecting with people. I don't feel human most of the time, but.. it's ... hard to explain. It takes so much for me to make a connection with someone, and the relationship never lasts, no matter who they are. Kelly isn't my friend anymore, and hasn't been for years. And that's just one example of someone I thought I could ALWAYS rely on that has totally failed me. On all cylinders.

I was so determined at the beginning of 2016. Things were falling into place - I knew Darren had feelings for me and that's all I wanted at the time, my career took a major uptick being switched to Kelli and excelling - I was finally coming into my own and shining - I thought I had all these new work friends, and I did, and do, sort of, and I was just determined to make something more of myself. My pay jumped $5 an hour. I had the opportunity to switch firms, some very important man most people hate liked me, and I had to turn it down because both Darren and I got majorly screwed. Work got worse, my foot got worse, and then I went to ROTR and Kelly ruined the entire weekend. And then I got cut open and spent two months on the couch in the living room. Spent four months not driving. I can't stress that enough. It's like a bad dream. And then I got to leave the house and met my physical therapist and everyone there and thought that I could really be something - that my real self could finally come through - and I started seeing myself with someone in a way I haven't done since Jim, for fuck's sake, and hopes were high. So high. Embarrassingly so. So I met with Nick, a wonderful man who is a career coach, who wants the world for me, but wants a world for me that I never want. So I spent loads of money and got nothing from it. Nothing at all. He didn't help me fix my resume, he told me to take more classes. And not the ones I want to take. And I went back to work and the world just crumbled all around me. Work is the dark cloud that sometimes falls so low I can't see my own hand in front of my face. So I go back and things are not as they were - and I am certainly on the lowest rung of the ladder - as soon as they legally can, I am definitely gone. And then Darren finds me again and wants to work for him again, and then I need more surgery on my foot, and here I am. Unable to do anything. My soul nearly exploding from my body NEEDING something drastically different.

I'm too smart for this and I'm just stuck.

And I'm stuck because my parents have always been poor. Because I was born and raised in a poor area. Because I've had to claw, tooth and nail, for everything I've ever had. Because even at 16 I couldn't see 5 years into my future because I thought I'd give up and literally kill myself before then.

Because nothing goes right. Nothing comes easy. Because the struggle is so fucking hard.

There is somewhere I'm meant to be, somewhere I should have found a decade ago, but I'm still lost. Still so lost. I had such high hopes of Nick pointing me in the right direction, helping me find it. I thought for certain he'd be the one to launch me. And he just quit.

I'm not allowed to, but he did. Not one word from him since our last meeting. Was I supposed to keep the communication going? For what? For him to tell me to enroll in med school? I don't want that, I'm violently against that. I'd rather teach than that. And more and more, I think that's probably what I should be doing.

But let's face it, no one listens to me. I'm scary, I'm mean, my standards are too high, I drink too much. No one wants anything to do with me. Why should I subject some poor students to this, when I already feel guilty for making my parents interact with me daily..

Maybe one day I will snap and just drive to the airport and fly to England and just figure it out. Live on nothing. Being so far away, I could reflect, I could write.

But once I write something it'll just get dogged and I won't be able to handle the rejection --- which is why I won't date! --- because I can't actually handle anything. I am so tough on the outside but in here, in these inner thoughts, I am just.. It's so ugly. I am dead, rotted, decomposed. There isn't a trace of a heart left anymore. If only my stupid brain would quit, maybe I could find some peace in the next life.

I must've been one doozy of an asshole in my last life. All I can figure for this shit anymore. I'm beyond crushed. I was born behind the 8-ball.

Just a fucking cosmic joke. A mistake. Meant for something important that I was born without the tools to find. Cruel.

._.

I can't even bear to go back and read what i've written before.. back then.

back before life crashed back down on me, before reality crushed me. before what i had hoped so hard would never happen again, inevitably happened again. i am not meant for good things. and i've never been meant for happiness.

everything is just so awful. i am such a misfit, such a burden.

i wanted... god, did i want change so much. i wanted to finally try a relationship, for the first time in years. and now...

and now...

i'm stuck, a burden, barely even clinging to my job. i've lost it, all of it, every chance or whisper just gone.

just wasting time until i die.

trying not to fall so deep, trying, but the thoughts and the hurt just rip me apart. "no one wants you around, no one misses you, everyone resents you for this," ... and i'm not wrong, no, i'm never wrong.. not about things like this...

just when i think i'm better than this, i get pushed back down - shoved - back to this.. this... failure of a life.

i'll never have anything i want. ever. and the cruelest part of this past year wasn't being crippled - it was thinking and believing for awhile that i actually could have something new, better. what a fucking joke.

i feel so stupid.

just trying to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, be quiet, pass away, disappear...