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Bereft

Bereft of feeling... of emotion.. of joy, of interest, of everything.

My only real work friend is distancinf herself from me and has been for weeks... then tells me today, full of guiltx that she decided shes quitting within the next few weeks....

Boy i like, that ive spent the better part of a year dreaming striving hoping and crawling out of my comfort zone for, has utterly cut and shut me out. Absolutely gone.

So im empty. Alone. Bereft. Numb.

Nothing, nothing at all stirs me except anger and pain.

Work is a nightmare.. i cant take anytbing anymore.

My foot feels awful. Im fatter than ever. I had a cigarette on my way home and felt nothing.. just got ash all over my car. I had 4 beers and started to forget, but it wasnt enough, my stomach hurts, and i dont enjoy the taste of anything anymore.

I am low. Lower than low.

Getting out of bed is such a struggle.. worse than ever. I just.....

I am ... drowning in a sea, all alone. No one can help... no one would.

There are moments and actions i should feel happy about, i should appreciate and cherish, that i just .. cant, no matter how much i push.


Bereft of feeling. Im in a desert now, dry and numb.

.....

I know what dying feels like.

I die a little more every single day. Every passing moment.

Then there are times, like right now, where the universe takes another chunk right out of me, and it's a free fall, sliding down a mountain of shit til im dead at the bottom.

It's all encompassing. Consuming. Suffocating.

Nothing wants to move. My heart doesnt want to beat. My lunga sont want to breathe.

Yet here i am. Here i remain. Here i endure.

For what?

No, seriously... for what..?

Why?


I am a human reject. I dont belong to this species. I am a failure and an outcast. A disappointment. A waste.

A waste of air, waste of mass, waste of life.


The universe will never stop being horrifically cruel to me.

Why me? Why doesnt anyone, or anything, or any spirit.. any animal, any human, anything... ever... like me.. notice me, pay attention to me, hear me, see me...


So, yeah. Don't know what i did, what i did wrong, or what i didnt do, but now i dont even get lousy snaps from him. After all those aigns, all that behavior.. poof, gone. As always.

As. Always.

How come i knew, i knew in my soul that once i was broken up with chris id be alone the rest of my life? How did i know that? Its not for lack of trying. Or lack of interest.

Im a void. An empty void. My heart is too shattered and broken to pick back up anymore.

It's dead; im broken beyond repair.

Permanently depressed with small tiny fleeting moments of hope and happiness. I wish i could stay thia low forever. Getting back up and being kicked right back down is exhausting. I cant do this anymore. Its too much.

Im so tired of being strong, of enduring.

My heart wants to stop, why wont it juat give up already.

There is nothing for me here. Im not sure there ever has been.

Being a ghost would be preferrable to being so invisible here and alive.


How many years in a row has it been..? How many times in a roe now do i get lifted up and hopeful for nothing at all..? How many times must i repeat -- "Maria, it will never, ever, ever, EVER be you!" before i.... before i... just..

Rip chester. I'll never be brave enough to end all this. I'll lie in it, suffocating, drowning, crying, bleeding for the rest of my miserable, lonely days.

Waste of life. I should never have been born.

:(

There's a lot going through my head right now.

The boy I like, really like, convinced myself was the one for me -- has been totally ignoring me for at least a week, more so really. It hurts more than I can even convey. I had myself CONVINCED, really truly believed, that someone I liked honestly liked me back.. and had all this proof and i was so careful and really went out of my element so much.. and now? Now it's meaningless. Now i am nothing.

I'm not sure how i can move on from this. Truly.

It takes me so long to find someone i'm even remotely interested in, and then when I actually do....

and then it's someone who i just fall head over heals for and he just.......

i am ... gutted right now.

Then someone you've looked up to my entire adult life, Chester from Linkin Park, the man whose voice has carried me through the darkest of times more than once, just can't take the pain anymore and hangs himself, when I've been trying so hard to fight that darkness myself.. When that darkness has suffocated me yet again this week, where I couldn't bear one more day... Chester kills himself that night, while I cry and pray I die in my sleep the same fucking night.

Why the FUCK am I still alive

Why was I ever even born.

Fuck this, fuck everything.


If I ever want anything, small or large, the fucking universe has taken it upon itself to troll me at each step. Oh, you like a boy who likes/has this?>? let;s throw it in your face at every fucking opportunity, so you think it's some magnificent sign, that you're on the right track.................. No, let's build you up to fucking crush you to pieces even worse than you ever imagined.


this is my life


forever and always


i'm a fat piece of shit that daydreams herself into oblivion.

fuck everything, fuck everything forever. what did i ever do to deserve this? all i've ever done is wish to die.

no way am i dealing with this angst for the rest of my life. i'm 32 and at my wits end. no way i'm making it to 40. never. that's a promise.

I should've been sleeping two hours ago..

Instead, I fell down the rabbit hole and read my journal for the past oh, I don't know, thirty entries or so, which took me all the way back to 2014.

Wild.

I didn't write at all in 2015, and it's a shame. There was a LOT going on in my life that year that I didn't chronicle. I left my job at Yack (which I was heartbroken about), began a new career.. my feelings for Darren, which apparently obliterated all feelings for Chris... I don't know. I hate when I stop writing. I have my written journals, too, that are just so... I don't know. Comforting.

My memory is bad. Way bad, anymore. Scary bad. I've been drinking too much for too long - I've been lazy for too long, as well (though that's primarily from this foot injury..).

Anyway. Seems like all I ever do is write when I'm drunk (which I am not today, at all, no drinks in two days and sadly, sadly... that's a big win for me lately) and complain about being alone.

I need to really change my mindset. It's so difficult, though. Today, for instance, I just really wanted to get drunk because I was feeling sad..... I literally locked myself in my room in order to be away from the beer. That's awful.

Work is hard, I'm burned out, and this week has been pretty busy. I'm already at 21 hours after 2 days. I was annoyed with everyone and everything and was just extra salty this morning.

And then, he sends me a snapchat out of the blue of his smiling face and I just. My heart/stomach flipped huge when I saw it and it made my fucking day. Something so trivial, he probably thought next to nothing about it, but I was one of the special ones he sent it to and I didn't have to see it on his story. So.. That's something. Then he responded to me, sort of, in his short way that he's had lately that I can't stand. It irritated me, and I just deflated. I mean I crashed, hard.

I still think there is something real there to hope for. I do. And then this ugly, fearful side of me knows he's probably out with some girl right now..... Sigh.

Maybe if I have faith, a more positive attitude, visualize the success... Instead of dwelling hard on these thoughts. These thoughts that have always been my comfort, because they've usually been my normal.

So, yes, I'm still depressed, but tonight, at least, I feel like I can crawl out of it.

There is a six week fitness class being offered that I want to sign up for. Imagine it - being back to 180 before football. That would be a godsend. I have to do it, right? I have to. I'll try to get Kelly to do it, too.

I need to really focus on getting back into shape, and NOT DRINKING.

Maybe this is addiction? I think it's more boredom. And depression - the agony of having a real crush and this snails pace we've been on for months.

And if I had something to DO after work, that would also help...

So, maybe I'll look into taking a class in the fall, and signing up for this fitness plan... It's two blocks from my house, I've seen the results first hand.

I think this might be the best entry I've written in ages.

1) Stop dwelling on the what if, on the bad. Visualize, put out positive vibes, be nice - don't hide and be a stranger. Just be you. Stop being so afraid of him. It will all work out.

2) Fitness. Focus on fitness. Dieting. Even writing is fitness for the brain.

3) School. Look into school. You're dying to go back, you know that. Look at Michigan, take one class. Apply. At the very least... Look. If you want to be a doctor of History, fucking do it. Consequences be damned. You are too smart to waste your life pining.


I should print this out and read it every morning.

I need to take that class.. get my life back in order. Print out an old photo of skinny me and plaster it up when I consider drinking 8 beers for dinner and instead maybe grab some water and go read....

Please, please, please stick with me... I don't want to fall back into the hole I've been in... Please, please... Help me stay afloat. Help me to rise.

Jul. 16th, 2017

I just want to find a man who wants to explore the world as much as I do.

Even if, sometimes, it is one of pure fiction.

#GameOfThrones

Deeeeeeeetroit..

I am a girl from Detroit, and the city flows through my veins. It makes me angry, makes me gritty, makes me bitter.

Just want a guy who can love the bullshit like I do, enough to see the beauty in the ruins and kiss me in them like it's the most romantic place on earth.

It's not, but it's my world.

Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. That's what I want. Kiss me while we're breaking into Hotel Yorba, Kiss me while we climb on top of Michigan Central Station, kiss me in a forgotten and desolate neighborhood full of falling down decrepit mansions.

The city of promise that failed everyone and fell to ruin.

My blood.

Everyone is tough here. Everyone is angry, stubborn, mean. Hard.

It's unlike anywhere else.

Pride. We have pride in our dust. Pride in our perseverance. Pride in our modesty. Confidence in our total ignorance.

It's absurd. It's life.


Kiss the daylights out of me here. Kiss me breathless everywhere. Kiss me and mean it.




... I wish.

ugh

I want I want I want him.

I did the thing, I broke the few weeks' ice. Mistakenly and to my supreme embarrassment, but I did it.

And we talk

and stop

and talk a little

and stop.

And I got his snapchat, and I snap him stuff, and he responds. Almost always.

But DO YOU THINK HE SENDS ANY TO ME

FFFUUUCCKK

Yet the first snap he sent me was just his gorgeous so utterly kissable face!!!

I hate boys. I hate them! Why doesn't he see that I am THE ONE for him and just open the fuck up. He is inFURIATING me.

I want this SO much I'm going to snuff it out before it even begins. It's insane.

I was ready to throw it on the back burner and forget for awhile over the weekend since his replies to me were ASS, and then I have a stupid daydream about holding his fucking hand, and his fingers sliding between mine, and I just died. I want it too much.. It's awful.

It's TORTURE.

And it's so obvious that there's this elephant. this big giant "HEY I REALLY LIKE YOU" just hanging there, right over every single word we say to each other. It's suffocating. It's annoying. It's strangling the both of us.

At least, that's what this BETTER be because I haven't been in this situation in ages... Probably not since I was in the basement at Ben's house, but he was way more obvious and open about it. Maybe the car dealership guy? I can't believe I'm blanking so hard on his name right now, i was OBSESSED with him. Josh? No. KEVIN! Good lord, I just had to go re-read three years of LJ posts to find that. What an idiot.

and now i'm obsessed with re-reading my old entries, and it AMAZES me how right I am about so many things.

which honestly gives me hope with this Mike shit - I KNOW in my gut this is real and meant to be SO much more. I am so impatient to get it going -get it started - i want my kisses, I want my hugs, i want my sex for fuck's sake. I want my boy.

I've been a VERY good girl for a long time. There has to be a payout somewhere, right?




Ok, shifting gears. To work stuff, because it's been absolutely remarkable lately.

So, let's rip the bandaid off of the bad shit - my bosses, Kelli and Amber, were recently together in a threesome, with one of the other lawyers that I used to work with.

PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE

Wouldn't be AS bad if it was consensual, but apparently it wasn't - Amber said no to Kelli and Brendan, who basically forced it on her anyways (YES she should have meant it when she said no, but that's her issue). Amber has been salty and awful about Kelli ever since, and I'm stuck in the middle. I'll never get the visuals out of my head, and it's so hard to be normal sometimes. I'm doing a hell of a job though. can't wait to tell these stories once i no longer work for them, though. Good god. Who else can say their two bosses were in a threesome together?? God, I hope not many.

So for the good - Amber nominated me for some "Unsung Legal Heroes" award in Lawyer's Weekly and they picked me. Apparently I'm the first one to win it, or at least one of the first ones. THey're putting me in the magazine, I had to take a headshot and send it in. The firm got me a biiig flower bouquet and balloon today. It's wild. I guess I'm kinda a big deal?? It was all thanks to Amber <3 That's my girl for life I think. At least I'll always have a lawyer in my corner, haha. I'm more embarrassed than anything but... it's nice. It is nice. People are jealous and I know they're thinking "wtf i'm better than her" but I DON'T CARE, I deserve this. Worked my ASS off for it.

And I put up with two women bosses who've fucked eachother so good GOD did I earn this lame award.

Better turn into a fat raise. After all, I'm the only award winning assistant in the office.

Just. Saying.



But I want him, too. Greedy greedy greedy.

I should focus heavily on losing weight quickly if I really want him. Honestly. That should be my mega focus - drop 30 lbs. At least. But those first ones fast.

That way when I see him again at least I'll look better.

For now, I'm drowning in alcohol because LOVE IS AGONY and so is life.

Falling asleep

I need to move out of my parents' house. This is ridiculous.

I'm laying in bed now before 11p on a friday night because they came home.

They came home, they're never gone so when they leave i go a little nuts.. my music gets too loud, i drink too much, sometimes i'll have a cigarette (rarely)... but all those options should be open to me always. I am well past old enough.

I need to make a certain amount more a year... at least 4k more. To get a basic apartment. But how do i blare my music and sing my heart out in an apartment... that alone is more important to me than anything. Privacy.

I want a crazy amount of privacy.

And then i think.. hey, i struggle pretty mightily with depression, being alone is a terrible idea. Maybe being home has saved my life. So i think maybe i should stay, for that very important reason....

Either way, i desperately need more alone time. Desperately.

Sigh...




Constant daydreaming about the boy, too. I wonder if he ever even thinks of me anymore.... i just, i havent felt this pull in so long. I have to try again, right? Uuugghhhhhh kill meee

It's like my anthem

Have you cried yourself to sleep
Have you felt this incomplete
Have you ever cut yourself so deep to see if you still bleed
Do you ever feel wanted
Do you ever feel needed
Do you ever feel happy
Or are you just like me

I'm hanging by a thread, a rope, the noose around my neck
I choke, 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
I'm hardened like a rock, a stone, the brick inside my chest
Alone 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
Love falls out of me

Have you ever wished for death
And prayed all night for your last breath
Have you ever wanted to forget the feeling of your dreams
Because I never feel wanted
And I never feel needed
And I'll never be happy
But I guess that's just me


I'm hanging by a thread, a rope, the noose around my neck
I choke, 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
I'm hardened like a rock, a stone, the brick inside my chest
Alone 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me

I'll never forget the day I died
Love memories frozen and denied
Flower of my heart withered and dried

I'm hanging by a thread, a rope, the noose around my neck
I choke, 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
I'm hardened like a rock, a stone, the brick inside my chest
Alone 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me

I'm hanging by a thread, a rope, the noose around my neck
I choke, 'cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
'Cause every time I'm fallin' love falls out of me
Love falls out of me

I am too drunk for a Wednesday

I am.

And that's not even the problem.

The problem is, people can make connections, and I cannot.

The problem is, I am beyond sure that Mike is crucial to my future, and I am paralyzed to do something about it.

The problem is, I know what I have to do, and I lack the strength to do it. Me, who scares everyone, who "sucks souls," who has been on quite the stretch lately of putting my firm voice on and people literally follow whatever I say. It's fantastic. It's bizarre.

So I'm going to have one more beer tonight, one more than I definitely should, because I don't want to stop getting lost in the beats of Kendrick Lamar, and because I don't want to care about a single thing anymore.

Because for a moment, when I'm drunk, I can forget about all the fucking troll jobs the universe throws in my face.

All weekend, last weekend, the universe threw Mike in my face. His car was everywhere. But it was never, actually him. Which just. I can't.

And I miss him. And I miss Jeremy and I miss Herman's stories and I just miss them all so much and it eats at me all the time. Without PT I work way too late everyday and am just a burned out mess.

Because without work I don't have anything. I have literally nothing else to do.

My ankle and foot are fucked for forever. I'm an invalid forever.

I sort of started to like a guy at work and he starts fucking the 23 year old freak receptionist. I mean it was a stupid "what if" thing, never gonna be real for real, but I mean they knew eachother for a month and have a 13 year age gap and they're fucking. I've been head over heels for a guy for MONTHS and I can't even get a message on Facebook.

connecting with another human being is the hardest thing on earth, for me.

it's why i don't feel like I'm part of this stupid species.

it's why I'm so alone.



Let's take a journey back, Livejournal, because I'll never post this on FB for people to see how pathetic I really am (& was):

Class of 2003
1. Did you know your boyfriend/husband? Nope, I'm alone
2. Did you car pool? Yes, because my mom/dad took me to school/picked me up with my little brother.
3. What kind of car did you have then? I didn't. I wasn't allowed.
4. It's FRIDAY night where you doing? SENIOR year, it depends. I could have been out with Ben & josh & chestnut, or I could've been home alone online talking to Wes
5. What kind of job did you have? Yack arena concessions
6. Were you a party animal? I wanted to be, but was not at all
7. Were you considered a jock? Hell no
8. Were you in choir/band or orchestra? HELL no
9. Were you a nerd? Yeah probably, I knew about computers and weird music so
10. Did you get suspended? I think so. for attendance. For visiting Wes too much. I got a LOT of detention.
11. Can you sing the fight/school song? Yes
12. Where did you eat? Senior year, in the senior hallway with my friends usually. Junior year was totally different.
13. Where was your high school? Wyandotte
14. What was your school mascot? Bears
15. If you could go back and do it over again would you? Senior year? Yes. I would. I'd go back there right now and redo it all. What a fucking idiot I was. So many mistakes.
16. Do you still talk to the person you went to prom with? The boy I was dating (yes) never asked me to prom. He went with his (our) friends without me. So.
17.Are you planning on going to the next high school reunion? No way
18.Are you still in contact with people from high school? .... Just facebook, nothing tangible
19.Did you skip school? Oh yeah
20.Do you know where your high school sweetheart is? I don't know who that even is. If it's Ben, he's in Ann Arbor somewhere. Ryan, no idea. Hope they're both well.
21.What was your favorite subject? Had the most fun in Shakespeare, Chemistry, CISCO. Biology was fascinating. History too.
22.Do you still have your High School Ring? I don't know.. I don't think so. I remember what it looked like though.
23.Do you still have your yearbooks? Yes, I do. haven't glanced at it in years. I only have 3 of 4.


What a weird thing. High school. I think about Ben often and the mistakes I made, but I also firmly believe that life is a path, and every step leads you the way you're meant to go. That there's a reason for this crazy stupid bullshit. That I was meant to do all that I've done because it's going to lead me where I should be. Like .. To Mike. So many things. So many little things the universe throws in my path.

I am so stupid.

Drunk on a damn wednesday.

and i wonder why I can't lose any fucking weight.

If i lived alone I would drink way more, and eat less. I like that scenario.

Thats the other thing I need to make up the courage for: asking for a raise.

that and reopening some kinda communication with Mike..

If creep girl and older runner guy can do it, what the actual fuck.



we have a new attorney that looks just like darren, but taller. it's fucking me up.

i miss him. and i miss stephanie loads, and she just left.

everything just sucks.


:/