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Lola Montez

So, it's over now...

I got a hug from everyone, they really do all love me, and that is just so nice. it is so NICE to be loved. I got a hug from every single employee left in that place today. Jeremy, Mike, Lisa, and Ashley. Didn't expect that. Needed that.

I turned this crush into this monstrous life-changing thing -- I mean, if I had enough guts one day maybe it'll be that, if I work out and eat nothing for a month, if he gets to see how awesome i am outside of PT..

"don't look in her eyes, you might fall and find the love of your life."

I know that's what I am. How could I not be? There's no one else like me. I do make an impression wherever I go, and I do strive to be a good, nice, helpful, supportive person every single day. But I also won't lie to you. I take pride in that. And being professional and smart and just... I bust my ass for everything. Always have.

But my toe won't heal and I'll be a half-cripple forever. That's what I get for trying to better myself.

And no one knows how to take me. I'm awkward and SMART and intimidating. I'm a bad ass; me and my leather jacket, my scowl, my loud black muscle car with the tinted windows. My skulls and my thick bracelets. My loud music. I'm like nothing anyone else is. And so is he, which is why I feel this way.

And then Chris won't leave me alone..... get a hint, man. It's too late! It's so far too late for this shit. Years and years too late. I've never been the one he's chosen, ever. He always chooses over me, and if it fails, he falls back to me. Which is where we are. And I ignore, and I'm going to explode soon.

I'm going to hate myself for drinking this much tonight but I needed it. I almost started crying in PT, I started falling apart as soon as I left, and I held it all in. Still holding strong. But I'm going to absolutely fall apart soon and I just... Just can't. It makes me long for friendships more than ever.... and that's something I've been yearning for since I was a very young girl.

I've really never had friends, ever. I've had people float in and out of my life. I've had to cut myself off from some. One of the main reasons I loved Sailor Moon was the friendships between the girls --- i had never known that in my entire life until I watched that show as a fucking 10 year old. I had one friend, ever, and my mom pulled me away from him and threw me in catholic school with no one and nothing and I literally have never recovered. People really like me, sure, but if I needed to move and needed people to help? yeah i have no one. typical friend things, i have nothing.

But... I am beyond excited to see Maria tomorrow. I'm glad I'm getting drunk, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep. So excited to see her, and to go to the movies after work to see Guardians. I'm a nerd, but I am just STOKED to see that and to see her.

I have to focus on something else, other than the fact that I wanted something SO MUCH with Mike and it'll never happen. I wanted it so, so much. More than I can express tonight. My heart is shattered and I've numbed it all with booze. Old faithful.

Now that we're dead my dear, We can be together..

yah yah, yah yah, buzzin....

So i'm still on my bender.

My emotions are still all over the place, and I can't control a thing. Mom says she's worried about me, but I mean... It's actually, sadly, a boost to know she even notices. Someone does. Yes, I've been drinking every day this week. No, this isn't like me, but I am so unspeakably unhappy...

but tonight, tonight I am just numb. Really numb. Losing myself in the notes of new music. Losing myself in movies and games.

This is my first full day off - from everyone and everything -- in probably an entire month. I needed this so much.

Stomach hurts from hot fries and the loads of beer i've had lately... but i don't care.

Got Kendrick on repeat.

Two days left with the man of my dreams. Eh, hard to say that, but the first real thing I've felt in a long time. Since Darren - who was different. Darren woke up this dormant part of my heart that liked taking care of someone. Fired it right back up. Started bringing me back to life.

It's been a long process.

So now I have a man I want to get to know more than anything and I am too shy and still too damaged to put myself out there. No one I know really understands that, and it isn't their fault.. Most people in my life don't know a fraction of what I've been through, and hopefully never will.

Chris still won't leave me alone. Why now? Honestly... why now? Why not years ago when I still wanted it? When it could've been possible. Except back then he chose a married older woman over me. He always chose everyone else over me. And I am just dead now. Dead to it all.

Love. I wish I didn't know what it felt like. Maybe then I wouldn't be going so insane after not having it for so long.


So I'm waiting patiently for something to happen, and I know that I should MAKE something happen... But my confidence in myself is just... gone.. I'm so fat, so crippled, so just... I don't know. Not normal. Not what anyone expects. I am just so different from everyone else. I feel like a stranger to my own species.

So we'll see how tomorrow goes I guess. What I hope for in the deepest darkest pits of my heart will not erase --- can't rid myself of this weed, which only leads to disappointment and sadness and more despair. I want to matter to someone. I don't want to be forgotten. I want him to be upset and reach out... But I'll probably be far away from him and just... I was miserable last time I saw him, dead inside and wishing I was dead everywhere else, and I had no words. I was just silent. Little did I know I'd only get to see him a max of two more times, ever, in my life.

I mean, .... That's not true, i have opportunities to see him again. Maybe if I lose weight I'll have confidence to see him at a show or something. I don't know.

This entry is pointless but I feel like I need to just write sometimes. i wish I had the energy to write for real. I think it'd help.


Have a very busy week ahead... treacherous road ahead.. busy, busy, busy all the way up to ROTR... I need that so much. Days drunk in the sun, music blaring, losing myself in a sea of 40,000 people... I need that so much....


There's this dark anger in me, too . Jaz has himself a new girl and he's painted his house and I just want to slit his throat. Kelly doesn't care, but I feel like I need to take some revenge on this fuck stick. Slit a tire now and then. Break a window. Strangle him. Like I feel about Kelsey.

can't believe we ran into her parents yesterday. Fuck that was awkward. I was torn between being polite and wanting to lash out and be a bitch. We got out of there just before I snapped. Fucking Linda, begging us to eat with them. Fuck you bitch.

GOD I hate people. Hate them.



anyway...

need to stop drinking so i can sleep.. but i dont want this week to begin, because it's going to be a very, very hard week.. i'm going to be a mess wednesday.

then there's this idiot part of me that is sitting here thinking, .. maybe now that i'm not a patient i can be more? maybe now there isnt' a line to cross, maybe now i can be available... now that we're dead my dear, we can be together....

interesting line, interesting concept. something i've thought about for a long time. my other half isn't here.

gotta try and sleep

gotta drink more water

gotta lose weight, gotta be more positive, gotta this, gotta that.....

just want to be an outlaw. fucking hate society. wanna drive fast and loud and drink and smoke and steal and fuck. wanna wrong a lot of rights and mess up a lot of the normalcy. wanna fight. wanna destroy. wanna disappear... ...

.. i want you.







but you don't see me at all.

end

So I've been struggling hard with serious depression for awhile again, after I was so hopeful I finally beat it... yeah, it took me back twice as hard.

So I watch a show like 13 Reasons Why and it hits so close to home it scares me, and yet, I'm more frustrated that it didn't explain all the rest of it-- because all the bad stuff they depicted, yeah, okay, but there's so much more. There's so much more to it than that. They failed it - made suicide and depression much more trivial than it is... Made me think she was weaker than what they were trying to portray... and maybe making me feel dumber for not doing it when i should have.

At this point i'm just pathetic if i do -- no one is left in my life to care, besides maybe, maybe my parents. The longer I live the less impactful something like that would be..

I just. It's been very hard lately. I don't even know why totally. But if we're being honest, I'm trying to keep it this way. The constant up and down of hope - try - fail has killed me. I can't do it anymore.

Boy from PT is never going to happen, ever. There are reasons to be hopeful, there are reasons to put myself out there and embarrass myself, there is every reason that it will fail spectacularly.. and with the thin, fraying string I am clinging to just to get through each day, i am not sure that's something i can handle

then again, i think i'm just being cowardly. again. Which is why I liked 13 Reasons - Hannah was actually braver than I could ever be.

I walk around and die a little bit every single day. I know what dying feels like. It's a hole that consumes you. I've been feeling it my whole life. Fighting it off, but I haven't felt this low, haven't lost this many battles, haven't been this alone.. since I was in 6th grade and thought about killing myself almost every single day.

I can't stop it. I don't even want to. i want to feed it with alcohol so maybe I'll have the courage to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Bad or good, I don't even care anymore.

I see people living life and having relationships and adventures and I'm just ... here, ignored, invisible, all alone. And I'll never not be alone. I've known that forever. I was put here in this time, just desolate. I feel things, and I know this more inherently than I can convey... I always have.

my entire life has been a losing battle.

and it's over, now.

I don't want hope anymore. I try every day a little more to push it down and away because it's just.... pain. It's all pain.

and i'd so much rather be numb.



I only have two more days with hot guy, Chris won't leave me alone (despite us having NOTHING AT ALL in common anymore, despite it being YEARS too late for him to want to try this shit again.. despite the fact that i've TOLD HIM that my heart is dead, I have nothing left and never will --- i'm broken, frozen solid, and it's nothing but fucking torture when he texts me every single fucking day because he can't get over this weird idea of me that he has - this odd version of me, this very young, very compliant, girl he wants me to be.... who is a total stranger to the woman i've become, who he helped create, it's such a paradox, so difficult, so painful. the last time i saw him he legit raped me. tough, harsh word to throw around but that is what happened. i repeatedly said no and he didn't listen. and when he was done i gagged and cried. and he didn't get it. and never will. because to him i am his everything, his ideal, even though he still will only talk about his first girlfriend or his friend he never got to fuck to me with deep regret. but i'm the asshole. but i'm the one who is cold. i'm the one who is wrong.
and my fucked up lonely brain almost caved the other day.

i am so alone.)


two more days of torture. two more days and an eternity of what if.

what if i was thinner, what if i was happier, what if i could overcome this despair for just a few hours.

what if death wasn't my only hope for the future.


what would i be like, then? would i be enough? or would i still be too fat, too independent, too weird... too flat-chested, too angry, too scary.....

yes, probably.

i don't belong to this race; i can't. not after all this. not after all this rejection.




so i'm drunk. so in case half of this depression is alcohol related, i keep it that way. i need to keep it consistent. going up and down cant happen anymore, i can't do it. it's too much.

so i throw myself into work because it's all i have. what the fuck else would i do if i didnt work.

i have nothing else.


p a t h e t i c.



i hate that i'm still alive. hate it.

Apr. 21st, 2017

"i feel my heart beatin'
i feel my heart beneath my skin

you make me feel

like i'm alive again,"



----



"and you don't

see



me....






but i threw you the obvious,
just didn't see
if there's
more behind the
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy..


here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded
but i see
see through it all
see through,
see you........"



apparently nothing

apparently nothing at all





you don't
you don't
you don't
see me
you don't
you don't
you don't
see me
you don't
you don't
you don't
see me
you don't
you don't
you don't
see me
you don't
see me
you don't
you don't
you don't see me at all.

Bad luck

So, the boy I like finally friended me on Facebook, and I was through the moon about it.

And abruptly fell flat on my face, because there IS a girl he's sort of seeing currently, and after telling me I was #1 in his heart, and flirting with me pretty blatantly for a few weeks, this is what I get. I mean.

and I don't hold a candle to this girl. She's totally metal, tatted up, skinny, and hot. All I've got is a pretty good personality and a nice smile, pretty hair, and that's about it. I know there's no battle here, I've lost entirely and there's no way for me to even fight it.

So here I am, lower than low, as if I need another reason to feel this way.

I am starting to really subscribe to the fact that maybe I did die in that motorcycle accident, and that's why I am so invincible to everyone I know. They like me, but I don't stick - I'm not important. I'm maybe important to Maria Brown and Stephanie at work. My own bosses? Please. Their winning a trial and not even bothering to tell me about it is more than enough proof. I am just less than nothing to literally everyone.

And everywhere I've ever been has been the same fucking story. The higher ups always hate me. Always. People just do not like me.

People mostly just don't understand me, to be honest. I'm complicated, I'm extremely unique. I'm very intelligent. I just can't... Can't find somewhere that I can fit and grow. I'm stuck where I am, and I hate it. I need to find a new job SOON.

The firm is changing soon, and I don't even want to be a part of it. We're gaining a lot of people through mergers, and while I AM admittedly excited that one of them could lead me to whomever I'm searching for, who I, begrudgingly admit, still could be Darren, I just... I don't have the energy for this. I don't want to deal with it.

I don't want to deal with anything. I'm always burned and hurt because I am just so ... The worst, I suppose. So odd. I don't belong and I never will.

SO. Boy I like is a no, of course it is, and work people hate me, and no matter what I do I'll never, ever be what anyone wants. Or cares about. Or notices.

So. Gotta ease out of PT soon, I have maybe a month left. And it'll be over. And it'll be another giant fail in my life. My foot is ruined forever, no matter what, and i'm only killing myself by seeing the guy I like more than I should when it'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen.

The universe is a mother fucking prick. giving me so many reasons to read into this, just to fall flat on my face and learn the same lesson over and over and over. No one fucking wants me, and no one ever will.

I'm ruined, forever.

Don't know why I need to keep learning this lesson. Hope is a weed. Keeps growing back after I do all I can to kill it, and I will never learn. Gotta root it out deeper, somehow. gotta eat some concrete or choke on a bullet. soon.

Tags:

Game of Love

If you'll be my Santana, I'll be your Tina Turner/Michelle Branch.

Mar. 10th, 2017

it's just... every single way the universe can troll me, it does. every single little thing.


i've said this before, but it's true: i have a time-limit with people... before they realize how much of a misfit i am, how not normal i really am.. and i'm at it, i'm there, i've been there... but now i'm getting attacked for no reason as if i'm an idiot.. when i kill myself for my job, go above and beyond, it's never enough, never.. no matter what i do, i'm always the bad guy, always the one getting spoken to like that, totally out of line, like i don't matter.

i mean, i don't matter. i don't.

my parents treat me like a child and i can't make enough money to leave.

work treats me like shit but i can't really leave.. and no one actually wants me, anyway... it's not real. i don't get a free ride somewhere. i have to interview my ass off and then get scolded for doing all the wrong things.

every job i've ever had, the higher ups really hate me. big time.

it's gotta be me, right? i'm the common denominator. i'm the weird one, the bitch i guess, even though i bend over backwards to do things right and to be considerate and nice to everyone, for some reason, everyone always winds up hating me.

i mean, everyone.

everyone.

everyone.


it has to be me.. some fundamental flaw within me, i am so far disconnected from people.. i just... i'd rather not even exists than deal with this.

over and over and over and over again. everywhere i go.

nothing ever changes.. it just gets worse, no matter what my attitude, behavior, outlook. People Do Not Like Me. EVER.

Nothing I ever do is good enough, no matter what it is.

I am a ghost.






The worst part of it all is having this fucking glimmer of hope that never stops. That my good days cling to and exploit. My good days make it seem like a shining, blinding beacon; but there's no light there - it's all a lie. It's always been a lie, for longer than I can remember. I've been rejected since I was 4 years old; my own mother didn't want me while she was pregnant. No one even knew she WAS pregnant until she was nearly ready to pop. She didn't want me and that feeling has never left me, ever. That stigma.

No one wants me. No one ever wants me. Not really. Some company now and again but when it comes to being friends? no way. I am always last. I can't even remember the last friend I had... It's been so long.

I've been alone for so long.

I'm never not going to be alone, so I better get used to it.

I opened the last chapter of my time at HVH today. My time is coming to an end, much to many people's happiness. I have to go back to the beginning and start again, alone...

Just a failure at everything, no matter what it is.. That's all I am.. A fucking failure. A disappointment. A nuisance. A burden.





I'm losing my mind.

I can't fight this shit anymore, I can't, I'm too exhausted, it's been going on for too long. There's so much I will never do, which is becoming so much clearer the older I get. I knew my life would go down this path; I always have, since I was really young. But that stupid hope I had.. still have, sometimes, makes this all the more cruel.





Why does this always happen to me? I just want to curl up in a ball, in the dark, alone, and die. I want to be T-boned by a car and just die. It is so hard to get up and face the day anymore... I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I mean it. I'm losing my fucking mind and I can't... I just can't.. do this. Do life. It's not for me.. I don't belong.

I've got nothing, nothing at all, to live for. Nothing. And that will never change.

Recharged, I think

I spent the entire weekend alone, truly alone, and it was wonderful. Everything I'd hoped it'd be.

I'm definitely introverted and I sincerely need time absolutely alone in order to get my mental health straight.

This weekend was exactly what I needed.

I'm not saying I'm fixed - I'm definitely not - but I am saying that I at least took a step into calming the storm in my brain this weekend. Friday night began terrible -- I didn't get anything I wanted out of hot guy at PT, I REEALLY wanted to hang out with them at some point, but it was made clear that that wouldn't happen this weekend... I mean, it wasn't like a NO, in fact it was a "this is where we're going..." thing I maybe should have jumped on, but that's not my style. If they truly didn't want me around they'd never divulge that information -- so the fact that they do should tell me that they do in fact like me as a human being -- It's just. I wanted so much more.

I want time with hot guy outside of PT. I want it more than I can bear. I used to want that with Darren more than words, I used to dream about bringing Darren around my family, I used to dream about buying things for mine and Darren's place --- this is so much different. This is so real I will definitely be leaving my comfort zone to pursue it. Definitely. I've never been more sure in my life that I need to make a move here with hot guy.

It's just all about timing. I'm never finding the right time.

Which is my nightmare. It's what happened with Jim, and I'll never forget that as long as I live.


So I had a weekend to recharge my batteries. I had two full days off - which hasn't happened since I went back to work. And all I did this weekend was work, ironically enough. I cleaned every room in the house, and my own car. I can't sit still. It's not in my DNA. If I don't have another job to go to I'll go insane. I need to keep moving, keep doing, keep... I don't know. Keep busy so I don't dwell on shit I guess. I'm SO used to just going going going -- it's been eleven years this way, and it's a hard habit to break.

And I really do need the money.

I have an idea to take a family vacation to Scotland soon and I'll need mega money for that.. So i'm going to try and save it up. I also want to go to Japan.

I also have this vision of me moving to a new city and being the person I really want to be. There's nothing stopping me from being that person HERE, except I already know these people and I don't love them and I'm not in love with this place. Detroit will always be my home, where my tortured heart belongs, I suppose, but... Not what I want.

I have all this love inside me. So much. It may not come across right away in the most obvious way, but I think my purpose is really to be a service to others -- to make their lives easier, better, with literally nothing back in return. It's what has been happening in my life since I can remember --- for my entire life basically. Be it Wes and his family, Scott and his, Flocco, work at the dealership, work at the Joe, work at Yack, working for Darren, Kelli, or Amber, my parents, my brothers, my cousin... It's my path; it's the common theme in my life. Just there to smooth it out and make it easier for everyone else.

It's becoming more obvious that I was never meant for love. I spent the entire weekend watching "Yes to the Dress," which is so cliche, but... That will never be me. I'll never be buying my wedding dress with my mom or my friends. The love of my life isn't here, not in this time, maybe not ever. I have hope - this eternal hope that will not die within me no matter how bitter or sad or desperate I become, there is always hope (thanks LOTR). But realistically... This is what I'm looking at.

I just picture myself walking through London without a friend in the world, seeing someone struggling and helping out. Smiling at a stranger and holding a door. The simple, little things. that's really all I want.

I'll be invisible and just there when you need me in tiny, simple moments. And I want to study the past.

That's it. All I want.

I don't need to be a bride, I don't need to be a mother. I don't need anything from anyone... I've lived my entire life without those comforts.

I need my music, I need my booze, I need my books and my study and I need my smile.

It's as simple as that.

Sure, I'd like a whole lot more.

But I would be content with that.
ANd honestly, why the FUCK can't my old boyfriends get over me?

Chris messages me every SINGLE day.

I talk to Wes once a blue moon and he is currently BEGGING me for nudes.

Are you even kidding me.

I need a man, I need a man so bad so I can be like FUCK OFF with some solid reason.

Because being single with super fragile emotions, it can be SUPER flattering to get attention.

But I'd so much rather it come from a man I reciprocated feelings for...

and my stupid stupid stupid STUPID heart has permanently stuck a man who has NO CLUE whatesoever.... but..


it's just wild. So stupid and so wild.

And the only ex I want to show an interest has blacklisted me from the moment he left. Me, and only me.

What. the. fuck.

fuckin drunk

Well I spent my night alone listening to old 90's songs because (shocker) no one invited me out.

So I am BLARING my tunes and I can't get enough.

And I am drunk x100000.

So.

Hot guy and I just cannot communicate. We always trip up and fuck it up. I like to think it's cause he's a lot like me and he DOES like me so it makes him nervous, which is my excuse, but i mean - the very real possibility of him not giving one fuck about me is still majorly in play.


So I am D Y I N G to hang out with him and literally zero opportunities present themselves. I need to be bolder. Even if I make a fool of myself. My lifelong preference of long haired blonde men has been driven home lately at PT with Herman, so hopefully, maybe.

I don't know.

I'm home alone the whole weekend and I just want to get laid, but I know it'll never happen. I need it too much to be real.

Umm and literally there is no better year for music than 1997 in my lifetime. Book it.

AND I've been looking at old pics for awhile, and i HAVE to lose weight and i HAVE to get my contacts back because jesus man I was hot for awhile. Haven't been hot in a long time but I am fat as FUCK now and I can't be this way, just can't.

Being fat AND intimidating is a losing combo. and i'm losing time in the man pile. So.

Gotta get skinny asap.

No idea how. can't stop drinking, can barely move my foot. But I have to.

Have to have to have to have to have to.

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