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Game of Love

If you'll be my Santana, I'll be your Tina Turner/Michelle Branch.

Mar. 10th, 2017

it's just... every single way the universe can troll me, it does. every single little thing.

i've said this before, but it's true: i have a time-limit with people... before they realize how much of a misfit i am, how not normal i really am.. and i'm at it, i'm there, i've been there... but now i'm getting attacked for no reason as if i'm an idiot.. when i kill myself for my job, go above and beyond, it's never enough, never.. no matter what i do, i'm always the bad guy, always the one getting spoken to like that, totally out of line, like i don't matter.

i mean, i don't matter. i don't.

my parents treat me like a child and i can't make enough money to leave.

work treats me like shit but i can't really leave.. and no one actually wants me, anyway... it's not real. i don't get a free ride somewhere. i have to interview my ass off and then get scolded for doing all the wrong things.

every job i've ever had, the higher ups really hate me. big time.

it's gotta be me, right? i'm the common denominator. i'm the weird one, the bitch i guess, even though i bend over backwards to do things right and to be considerate and nice to everyone, for some reason, everyone always winds up hating me.

i mean, everyone.



it has to be me.. some fundamental flaw within me, i am so far disconnected from people.. i just... i'd rather not even exists than deal with this.

over and over and over and over again. everywhere i go.

nothing ever changes.. it just gets worse, no matter what my attitude, behavior, outlook. People Do Not Like Me. EVER.

Nothing I ever do is good enough, no matter what it is.

I am a ghost.

The worst part of it all is having this fucking glimmer of hope that never stops. That my good days cling to and exploit. My good days make it seem like a shining, blinding beacon; but there's no light there - it's all a lie. It's always been a lie, for longer than I can remember. I've been rejected since I was 4 years old; my own mother didn't want me while she was pregnant. No one even knew she WAS pregnant until she was nearly ready to pop. She didn't want me and that feeling has never left me, ever. That stigma.

No one wants me. No one ever wants me. Not really. Some company now and again but when it comes to being friends? no way. I am always last. I can't even remember the last friend I had... It's been so long.

I've been alone for so long.

I'm never not going to be alone, so I better get used to it.

I opened the last chapter of my time at HVH today. My time is coming to an end, much to many people's happiness. I have to go back to the beginning and start again, alone...

Just a failure at everything, no matter what it is.. That's all I am.. A fucking failure. A disappointment. A nuisance. A burden.

I'm losing my mind.

I can't fight this shit anymore, I can't, I'm too exhausted, it's been going on for too long. There's so much I will never do, which is becoming so much clearer the older I get. I knew my life would go down this path; I always have, since I was really young. But that stupid hope I had.. still have, sometimes, makes this all the more cruel.

Why does this always happen to me? I just want to curl up in a ball, in the dark, alone, and die. I want to be T-boned by a car and just die. It is so hard to get up and face the day anymore... I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I mean it. I'm losing my fucking mind and I can't... I just can't.. do this. Do life. It's not for me.. I don't belong.

I've got nothing, nothing at all, to live for. Nothing. And that will never change.

Recharged, I think

I spent the entire weekend alone, truly alone, and it was wonderful. Everything I'd hoped it'd be.

I'm definitely introverted and I sincerely need time absolutely alone in order to get my mental health straight.

This weekend was exactly what I needed.

I'm not saying I'm fixed - I'm definitely not - but I am saying that I at least took a step into calming the storm in my brain this weekend. Friday night began terrible -- I didn't get anything I wanted out of hot guy at PT, I REEALLY wanted to hang out with them at some point, but it was made clear that that wouldn't happen this weekend... I mean, it wasn't like a NO, in fact it was a "this is where we're going..." thing I maybe should have jumped on, but that's not my style. If they truly didn't want me around they'd never divulge that information -- so the fact that they do should tell me that they do in fact like me as a human being -- It's just. I wanted so much more.

I want time with hot guy outside of PT. I want it more than I can bear. I used to want that with Darren more than words, I used to dream about bringing Darren around my family, I used to dream about buying things for mine and Darren's place --- this is so much different. This is so real I will definitely be leaving my comfort zone to pursue it. Definitely. I've never been more sure in my life that I need to make a move here with hot guy.

It's just all about timing. I'm never finding the right time.

Which is my nightmare. It's what happened with Jim, and I'll never forget that as long as I live.

So I had a weekend to recharge my batteries. I had two full days off - which hasn't happened since I went back to work. And all I did this weekend was work, ironically enough. I cleaned every room in the house, and my own car. I can't sit still. It's not in my DNA. If I don't have another job to go to I'll go insane. I need to keep moving, keep doing, keep... I don't know. Keep busy so I don't dwell on shit I guess. I'm SO used to just going going going -- it's been eleven years this way, and it's a hard habit to break.

And I really do need the money.

I have an idea to take a family vacation to Scotland soon and I'll need mega money for that.. So i'm going to try and save it up. I also want to go to Japan.

I also have this vision of me moving to a new city and being the person I really want to be. There's nothing stopping me from being that person HERE, except I already know these people and I don't love them and I'm not in love with this place. Detroit will always be my home, where my tortured heart belongs, I suppose, but... Not what I want.

I have all this love inside me. So much. It may not come across right away in the most obvious way, but I think my purpose is really to be a service to others -- to make their lives easier, better, with literally nothing back in return. It's what has been happening in my life since I can remember --- for my entire life basically. Be it Wes and his family, Scott and his, Flocco, work at the dealership, work at the Joe, work at Yack, working for Darren, Kelli, or Amber, my parents, my brothers, my cousin... It's my path; it's the common theme in my life. Just there to smooth it out and make it easier for everyone else.

It's becoming more obvious that I was never meant for love. I spent the entire weekend watching "Yes to the Dress," which is so cliche, but... That will never be me. I'll never be buying my wedding dress with my mom or my friends. The love of my life isn't here, not in this time, maybe not ever. I have hope - this eternal hope that will not die within me no matter how bitter or sad or desperate I become, there is always hope (thanks LOTR). But realistically... This is what I'm looking at.

I just picture myself walking through London without a friend in the world, seeing someone struggling and helping out. Smiling at a stranger and holding a door. The simple, little things. that's really all I want.

I'll be invisible and just there when you need me in tiny, simple moments. And I want to study the past.

That's it. All I want.

I don't need to be a bride, I don't need to be a mother. I don't need anything from anyone... I've lived my entire life without those comforts.

I need my music, I need my booze, I need my books and my study and I need my smile.

It's as simple as that.

Sure, I'd like a whole lot more.

But I would be content with that.
ANd honestly, why the FUCK can't my old boyfriends get over me?

Chris messages me every SINGLE day.

I talk to Wes once a blue moon and he is currently BEGGING me for nudes.

Are you even kidding me.

I need a man, I need a man so bad so I can be like FUCK OFF with some solid reason.

Because being single with super fragile emotions, it can be SUPER flattering to get attention.

But I'd so much rather it come from a man I reciprocated feelings for...

and my stupid stupid stupid STUPID heart has permanently stuck a man who has NO CLUE whatesoever.... but..

it's just wild. So stupid and so wild.

And the only ex I want to show an interest has blacklisted me from the moment he left. Me, and only me.

What. the. fuck.

fuckin drunk

Well I spent my night alone listening to old 90's songs because (shocker) no one invited me out.

So I am BLARING my tunes and I can't get enough.

And I am drunk x100000.


Hot guy and I just cannot communicate. We always trip up and fuck it up. I like to think it's cause he's a lot like me and he DOES like me so it makes him nervous, which is my excuse, but i mean - the very real possibility of him not giving one fuck about me is still majorly in play.

So I am D Y I N G to hang out with him and literally zero opportunities present themselves. I need to be bolder. Even if I make a fool of myself. My lifelong preference of long haired blonde men has been driven home lately at PT with Herman, so hopefully, maybe.

I don't know.

I'm home alone the whole weekend and I just want to get laid, but I know it'll never happen. I need it too much to be real.

Umm and literally there is no better year for music than 1997 in my lifetime. Book it.

AND I've been looking at old pics for awhile, and i HAVE to lose weight and i HAVE to get my contacts back because jesus man I was hot for awhile. Haven't been hot in a long time but I am fat as FUCK now and I can't be this way, just can't.

Being fat AND intimidating is a losing combo. and i'm losing time in the man pile. So.

Gotta get skinny asap.

No idea how. can't stop drinking, can barely move my foot. But I have to.

Have to have to have to have to have to.

bad week

Funny how I find myself in the same exact situation I was in on year ago. Darren asking me to work with him at his new firm, my firm giving me nothing for a raise. I'm in this uncomfortable spot where I don't know if I should say something, and I am so tempted to just leave.

I kill myself at work every single day.

No one even really notices. It's just expected. I barely get a thank you anymore... My boss doesn't even like me.

While my old boss just wants me around, I guess, I don't really know. It's a weird situation when I desperately want it to mean so much more than what it means, so I over compensate and rationalize that it means nothing at all, when the truth is probably closer to the middle. It doesn't matter. If I leave HVH, i'm leaving for something different.

I mean Kelli doesn't even like me... I've seen how she was with Maris, even Anna Maria or whomever... I'm just not.. likeable. I'm awkward and I have no idea what to say and I am probably the worst human alive at making friends. Definitely at making connections.

I want to mean so much more to people than I do.

But I've always been this girl who would rather just be alone, lost in her daydreams, or asleep (!), or falling into music, or getting drunk. I've never had good friends, ever. Not when I was young, not in my teens, never. I've had people who come and go in my life and sometimes it's their choice but sometimes it's mine. And it sucks.

It really sucks not having a rock to depend on, when I am the rock for so many people. No one ever asks about my day, no one cares one bit about my thoughts or feelings. I don't have anyone to talk to, or to vent to. So I smoke a cigarette on the drive home to calm me down, and I listen to loud music.

But it's lonely. For someone who loves to be alone, I am very tired of being lonely.

I just wish someone would like me, you know? For someone to .. to not be afraid of me. To fit somewhere, anywhere. TO be taken seriously. TO.... god.

It's so much easier to be alone when I'm not surrounded by people. People who have these connections, these abilities to connect with people, to be loved or even liked.

I'm just sort of there. And when I'm gone, I'm gone. Darren and Justin are the only two employers I've ever had that have asked for me back.

I am devoted to work because it's all I have. I don't have anyone to come home to, or anything to go do. The advice here is to join a club or take a workout class or something, but my social anxiety is just shot. It takes all I have to go to PT, and PT is my only out of work place I go to... sad. I am just a sad girl, my life has been so wasted.

And sure I can say hey, don't waste the future! do this! but i just - I really can't. Every single time I try something new it explodes in my face, spectacularly. I tried to get hired at Hackney Grover and follow Darren, and it all got ruined... I thought getting my foot fixed would be the answer to my weight issues, well, look where we are - it's ruined; i'll never be the same. I'll never be anywhere close to it. I'll probably never be able to walk down stairs normally for the rest of my life. And I met a guy I really like who barely knows I exist, as if I needed that now, in this stage of my life.

And I see what happened to Amanda and I try to be positive and think maybe one day that could be me.. And I see Finn today and basically bolt out the door because the last thing I need ontop of all this is baby fever, which ... the clock is ticking loud enough as it is.

And so I kill myself at work in order to bury myself in it. To drown out all of this. I don't have a clue how to fix my actual life. I never have. I have my old boyfriends coming at me on all sides --- except Jim, naturally -- just Wes and Chris, and my mind just... That feels like a lifetime ago, Florida, and I still think about it so much - and it still affects me so much. I'm afraid to leave home and yet I am DYING to -- and then I see my raise and I know I won't be able to for yet another year and I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Because nothing ever changes for the better in my life. Everything just gets worse.

And I'm shook to the core about my dad's eye, and knowing that I have this firm time limit with him and I just can't bear it. I can't bear any of this. If I were to have children tomorrow they'd barely know my dad and I can't.. I just.. It breaks my heart to bits. My dad is my favorite person alive and seeing him so weak and in pain this week has been brutal.

So. I mean. Bad week.

Very bad year.

Kept trying to do things to better myself and everything backfired, badly.

On one hand, a weekend without my parents sounds wonderful. On the other, I'm sort of afraid to be left alone that long in the state I've been in the past few weeks.

My depression was gone.. It was totally gone in the fall. I felt lighter all the way to my core. It's back something fierce. I'm thinking thoughts i haven't thought in ages. Bad ones, low ones. I hear that voice in the back of my head everywhere I go. "No one likes you, no one ever wants you around, you make everything worse, you make everyone uncomfortable.." etc, etc, etc. Over and over and over. If it wasn't true why would I keep having it? Why would I keep cycling back to this?

You see? Even if, by some MASSIVE miracle, a boy that I liked would like me back -- look at this big ball of crazy. I'm not even human. I'm ruined, I'm crushed, I'm broken. There's no bringing me back to life.

I just support people when they need me and help more than I should, with nothing given in return, like I always do. Like I always will.

And I'll die alone and no one will notice for days, weeks even. And that is how my light will end.

My dim, sorry light.

story of my life

so hot guy wants to leave his job and go somewhere new

this is why a perfect circle is so my life

3 Libras is me.

you don't see me at all.

Feb. 22nd, 2017

I'm still trying to figure out this weird dynamic inside of me.

Maybe it's multiple personalities, I don't know.

But I am positively devastated that I have all this love in my heart and nowhere to give it, when I so desperately want to. I am completely devastated with things regarding hot guy at therapy, I want SO MUCH more, and I just never get a thing. It's possible he's as shy as I am and that's this game we're playing, but it fucking hurts. It hurts because I want something so much and I am really truly thinking that this is all yet another cosmic joke on Maria.... My foot is NOT healed after all this surgery, and never will be, and I meet the proverbial man of my dreams, literally, who will never notice or like me in any way. Thanks.

And then there's this whole other part of me who is just cold and dead, ruthless and brutal. I have to keep this person in check a lot, but she really tries to break free sometimes. Like it's a natural reaction to be so mean and nasty and hard, and I have to rationalize and be like No... no... not this time.

But it's getting harder and harder to reign in.

It's just very hard. Life, living. I am totally alone and there's this guy who is making me think and dream and hope for things that I've totally shut down for years, for good reason. And there's no way he has any idea he's awoken this monster inside me --- this girl trying to be normal, when deep inside, I know I'm barely even human.

I am so odd, so unlike anyone else. Maybe I've made myself this way on purpose. But I am who I am - I've always been alone - and trying to relate to someone who has never felt that is just.. impossible.

Trying to relate to anyone at all is impossible.

I have this warm heart that's desperate to be acknowledged and loved in return - that's desperate to give - and I am shut down almost always.

So I am bitter, ruthless, and cold. I know who I'd rather be; I know who society pushes me to be.

It's not funny when Joey jokes "No one likes you," ---- it's true, it's so brutally honest.

It. will. never. ever. ever. be me.


I can dream, wish, pray, hope, beg, plead for it...... Whatever it is that I want - I will never have. Ever.

So I drink. And drink. And drink.

and drink.

it's all I have.

I'd rather be numb than anything.

I'd rather be numb than feel this profound rejection from my entire species.

Hopefully I'll live alone soon, but my alocholism will just explode, and I don't even care.

remember this

no matter what, where, when, or how...

just remember...

it will never, ever, ever, ever be you.

no matter how much you try

no matter how certain it seems

people do not like you,

you will never be rewarded,

it will never be you.

it will never. be. you.

you are alien. you are a misfit. you do not belong, and you never have.

you've been cast out, shunned.

you will never shake this depression. this demon weighing your soul.

you drown every day. you try to shout but no one hears. you can see perfectly how life should be up on the surface, but you will never be there. you're weighted down, distorted, silent. when people see you, hear you - you just make everything worse. no one should see you - no one should see the girl, drowning and screaming below. their lives are a thousand times better not knowing you exist. not seeing into the abyss.

yet each person that might glimpse your darkness.... no one is strong enough to stay. no one is strong enough to fight for you, to rescue you.

most people pretend they don't see you at all.

i don't know which is worse.

my life is over, it never even began. i'm a waste. my soul longs for something so far away and yet i can never get it there. i'm a failure. no small wonder my soul has been leaving me piece by piece all these years.

i'm corrupted, i'm damaged, i'm lost.

no one wants to find me. no one honestly should.

drift away, fall away, fade...... stop trying , just stop... live in the numb, it's all i can hope for.... yet hope is cruelest of all. hope with all its promises. hope resurrecting my heart only to have it obliterated by life.

i'm cold.

i'm losing my mind. i'm losing my will.

i'm tired. so tired of fighting this fight .

just take me, consume me, let this be over.
let me have a moment's peace.

let me be still. let me be numb. let me disappear.........

Describe myself in 5 songs:

3 Libras - A Perfect Circle
Cold - Crossfade
Bones & Joints - Finger Eleven
Keep Away - Godsmack
Aurora - Foo Fighters* (I think there is a different one.......)

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